Fifty-One Things I wouldn’t have written if I wasn’t a Dad

Nothing prepares you for being a parent.  If someone tells you getting a dog is like practice for having kids it’s okay to laugh in their face and throw food at them.  Having eight insomniatic dogs over the age of 11 that need shots, eye drops and are allergic to gluten is maybe in the ballpark.  It ain’t easy having kids.  People say it’s rewarding.  Is it though?  Well, that’s up to you.   What I’ve learned…

  1. If your one-year-old is quiet, they’re pooping.
  2. If your two-year-old is quiet they’re listening.
  3. If your three-year-old is quiet – they’re about to stick something into an electric socket.
  4. Want to eat out at a decent restaurant with kids make sure you’re there at 11:45 for lunch and 4:45 at dinner.
  5. Order the cheapest thing on the menu because you won’t remember eating it.
  6. The biggest change happens between Kindergarten and 1st Grade.  
  7. Before kids, you may have never scolded another human. After kids, you’re Gordon Ramsey by 8 am.
  8. Picture books from the 70s were drawn by accountants on LSD and avoid researching Shel Silverstein.
  9. Also avoid researching those dots on their arm, that cough, or that smell.
  10. There are no small battles.  Kids evolve by testing your weak points.  
  11. Not sure if you brushed your teeth? You didn’t.  
  12. Fear not things will get better, like when you say goodbye to diapers.
  13. But then they’ll get worse when they develop their voice.
  14. Infants and toddlers Parents….Sleep when you can. Coffee when you can’t.
  15. But it’s better to be tired than wired.
  16. The future comes faster with kids.
  17. The Terrible Two’s are a cakewalk compared to the Terrifying Threes, or the Frightening Fours.
  18. Dressing a child takes between 45 seconds and 45 minutes.
  19. Petco is basically a zoo for the infant/toddler.
  20. Get dressed first.
  21. You’ll have 6 thermometers that won’t work by year three.
  22. 99.3 degrees is not a fever unless you’re a catfish.
  23. Oddly specific. Commercials during Football are far worse on Fox than CBS.  If men injuring themselves on a field isn’t traumatic enough, the torture porn commercials for Gotham will seal it.
  24. Speaking of…you watched 20,000 commercials as a child and thanks to Netflix your kids haven’t.
  25. A Dad bod is probably fine if it wasn’t earned by shitty food and laziness.
  26. Hike often. With and without kids.
  27. With infants, it takes an hour to unload a dishwasher when they’re awake and it’s like playing Operation when they are sleeping.
  28. Never buy toys on clearance. 
  29. Develop some good character voices to keep reading interesting.
  30. Don’t look at your pre-kids pictures. 
  31. You won’t remember the last time your kids poop their pants, but there will be the last time.
  32. Listen to headphones when the kids are infants and won’t sleep.  Need to get out of your own head.  Howard Stern saved me from losing my head.
  33. Read aloud from day one. Catch up on your reading before you’re stuck in a cycle of Lil Critters and bad mannered bears.
  34. Start a blog and stay off facebook.
  35. Yes, your kid is better than everyone else’s kid.
  36. Don’t eat a cereal with Yoda on the box. 
  37. If you wouldn’t give it to your dog, don’t give it your kid, because your kid will give it to the dog anyway.
  38. Kids are easier when they are in Diapers.
  39. When you a weekend to yourself you’ll never be more productive.
  40. Gloss or semi-gloss. Never matte.
  41. If your kid makes it you eat it.
  42. You know more about what’s going on in Star Wars than the actual world.
  43. Little kids have no idea what wasting food means. Save your breath.  
  44. Carrots work. Sticks don’t.  Carrot sticks work too.
  45. If you’re smart and you care, you can mostly wing it.
  46. Don’t take parenting “experts” who don’t have any kids older than three seriously. They’re everywhere. Especially that one who never tells their kids to ‘hurry up’.
  47. You can’t be a parenting expert in real time.
  48. Toss your antisocial and introverted ways aside until your kids can figure it out on their own.
  49. Before kids – 10% time cleaning & 90% cleaned. After Kids- 90% cleaning 10% cleaned.
  50. There’s this faint urine smell that comes with having boys. Bleach and candles aren’t enough.
  51. There is a moment that you realize how fast it’s going to go and you get an idea where it’s going.  The mix of pride and fear is what parenting is all about.

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