The Scary Derriery

Writer note: The Scary Derriery will not get your child to stop using potty words but it will give them a wider array of words to use describe their butt. Write with your kids, it’s fun and it gives you the freedom to coin new words. How many words for butt can you find in the story?


The Scary Derriery

   Rufus’ vocabulary paused on poop, when he discovered it could be a noun, a verb, or a fantastic fit into any song.

“Poopy bells, poopy bells, poopy all the way,” Rufus seranades his Mom and Dad.

   “Rufus, quit the potty talk,” Mom tells the boy.“Dinner’s ready.”

“I used to love potty talk too,” Dad says whilst setting a big rump roast on the table. “Until that night.”

  “You had to sit in time out?” Rufus answers.

“Nope,” Dad shakes his head. “Worse.”

“Dinner’s ready, come to the table,” Mom announces.

Rufus takes a seat and quickly loads his plate. A bun rolls off his plate and lands with a thud on the floor.He exclaims, “Ah, poop.”

“Rufus, NO more potty talk,” Mom repeats with gusto.”

“When I used too many potty words,” Dad whispers. “I had a visitor.”

“Not that silly fairy you said comes when kids cry?” Rufus answers.

“Much more hideous than the crying fairy,” Dad says. “I was visited by The Scary Derriery.”   

“Are you being serious Dad?” Rufus looks quizzically at his dad, “What is the Scary Derriery?”

“Derriere is a word for your rear end,” Dad tells him.

“It’s French dear,” Mom follows.

“And the Scary Derriery is a ghost who visits kids with a potty mouth much like your,” Dad says. “As legend goes, he is the ghost of a bank robber with a potty mouth of mythical proportions.”

“So what happened to him?” Rufus asks. “Did he say fart too much?”

Dad laughs. “He invented the word. The Scary Derriery’s real name was Keith Keister; a gentleman who couldn’t put three words together without toilet talk. Since nobody wanted to hire Mister Keister, he’d have to bum money from family and friends. They’d say Keith Keister when are you going to grow up and quit the potty talk and eventually they stopped helping him.”

“Is that why he robbed banks?” Rufus interrupts. 

“First, he attempted to rob a train because he heard it had a caboose filled with booty, but his horse was couldn’t move fast enough to Keith to breach the train’s tail end.”

“So then he started to rob banks?” Rufus asks.

“Well, its easier to catch a bank,” Dad says. “Every time he robbed a bank, he wrote a note asking for money. And every time the letter was filled with cheeky language and police soon figured out Keith Keister was the poetic potty mouth robber.

Captain Tushii of the Hi-Knee City Police Department tracked Keister over five states and predicted he would target the Tokus National Bank next. So, he and his partner Detective Gloot E. Uss, waited in the bank’s posterior for Keith to arrive. Keith parked his horse, Duffy, strode confidently into the bank and handed a note to a rosy-cheeked teller named Faye Fanny. Keith’s hand was hidden in the pocket of his britches pretending to hold a pistol, but when Ms. Fanny read Keister’spoem and laughed.

I know a young lady named Faye
Who would stand at a bank all day
Fear not the kind robber would say
I want to take your money and dart
And not stand around and…

Fart? Faye asked quietly. 

It was at that moment, Tushii and Gloot E. Uss rushed from the rear-end of the bank. Keith sprinted to his horse, but when he tried to jump on Keith could not get over the horse’s hindquarters and landed on his can. Duffy humped it down the road while Keith hung to the reins and was dragged on his rear halfway across town with the lawmen on his tail.

Keith freed himself and ran into an empty factory building. By the odor, he judged they made fudge or chocolate in the building. He raced to the backside of the factory where he found an old trunk filled with junk to hide. He squeezed in and he hid in the trunk for nearly an hour. Whether it was the twisted shape of his body or the maximus amount of baked beans he consumed at lunch, Keith’s belly ballooned with an unrelenting, pestiferous gas that needed freeing. So Keith did the natural thing. –  he cut the cheese.”

“Wait, what cheese?” Rufus asked. “I thought you said it was a fudge or chocolate factory?”

“It means he broke wind, bottom burped, farted. He dropped a stink bomb so lethal the gases poisoned him. When Tushii and Gloot E. Uss found poor Mister Keister, he had expired. Killed by the smell of his own fart.”

“Whoa.” Rufus is speechless.

“But that was not the end of Keith Keister. Today, he haunts children who cannot curb their potty mouths.”

“What does the ghost look like?” Rufus asks.

Dad pauses a few moments before saying in a stern tone, “The Scary Derriery dresses in black and he’s ringed with green smoke. But you will smell his foul gasses long before you see him because not all who smelt it, dealt it, sometimes it’s the ghost of The Scary Derriery warning you that your potty mouth will make trouble for you.”

Rufus looks upset.

Mom asks, “What’s wrong dear?”

Rufus sniffs the air and pauses a moment before declaring “The Scary Derriery is in this room… I can smell him.”

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