The Scary Derriery – How to Quit the Potty Talk.

Writer note:  My twins started the potty talk when they were four.  The shared vocabulary of 4 year-olds even got the parents to chuckle.  Fast-forward four years and I’m pretty sure treating potty talk like strep throat is the only treatment; quarantine and fluids.  Twins always have a partner to laugh at their bathroom humor even when most of their friends have moved on.  

The Scary Derriery will likely not get your child to stop using potty words but it will expand their vocabulary and confuse them enough that their go-to words will seem boring.  It probably won’t do any of those things, but do write with your kids, it’s fun and it gives you the freedom to coin new words.

How many words for butt can you find in the story?


The Scary Derriery

    “Pooping Bells, Pooping bells, Pooping all the way,” Rufus sings to his Mom and Dad at the dinner table. Nothing could brighten Rufus’ day faster than the word poop.

   “Rufus quit the potty talk,” Mom tells him for the five thousandth and fifth time this month.

“But I like potty talk,” Rufus argues. “It’s funny.”

“It’s very funny Rufus,” Dad says setting a rump roast on the table. “I had an absolutely repulsive potty mouth – until that night.”

“You had to go to timeoutland?” Rufus responds.”

Dad shakes his head. “Worse.”

A bun escapes his plate and lands with a thud on the floor. “Ah, poop.”

“Rufus, NO more potty talk,” Mom repeats with more gusto.”

“When I used too many potty words,” Dad whispers. “I had a visitor. Its name? The Scary Derriery.” 

“Are you being serious Dad?” Rufus looks quizzically at his father, “But what’s the Scary Derriery?”

“Derriere is a word for your rear end,” Dad tells him.

“It’s French dear,” Mom follows.

“And the Scary Derriery is a ghost who visits kids with unruly potty mouths,” Dad warns. “Legend goes he was a bank robber with a potty mouth of mythical proportions. ”

“So what happened to him?” Rufus asks.

“The Scary Derriery’s real name was Keith Keister; a gentleman who couldn’t put three words together without toilet talk. He used so many he had to invent more, like dookie and doo-doo.”

Rufus laughs, but his dad continues.

“Mister Keister couldn’t keep a job so he’d have to bum money from family and friends. They’d say Keith Keister when are you going to grow up and quit the potty talk and he hit bottom.”

“So he robbed banks?” Rufus interrupts. 

“He tried to rob a train with a caboose filled with booty, but his Duff his horse was too slow for Keister to breach the train’s tail end.”

“So then he started to rob banks?” Rufus asks.

“Well, it’s easier to catch a bank,” Dad says. “Every time he robbed a one, Keith Keister asked for money in a note filled with cheeky language. The police soon figured out Keith Keister was the poetic potty mouth robber pretty easily.

Captain Tushii of the Hi-Knee City Police Department tracked Keister over five states and predicted his next target was the Tokus National Bank. He and his partner Detective Gloot E. Uss, waited in the bank’s posterior for Mr. Keister to arrive. 

Keith parked Duff, strode confidently into the bank and handed a note to a rosy-cheeked teller named Faye Fanny. Keith’s hand was hidden in the pocket of his britches pretending to hold a pistol, but when Ms. Fanny read Keister’s poem she laughed and read it aloud.

I know a young lady named Faye
Who would stand at a bank all-day
Fear not the kind robber would say
I want to take your money and dart
And not stand around and…

After pausing for a moment Faye breached the silence stating…fart?

Tushii and Gloot E. Uss rushed from the bank’s rear-end. Keith sprinted to his horse, but when he tried to jump on Keith could not get over the horse’s hindquarters and landed on his can. Duff humped it down the road while Keith hung to the reins and was dragged on his behind across town with the lawmen on his tail.

Keith freed himself and escaped to empty factory building. By the odor, he judged they made fudge or chocolate in the building. He raced to the backside of the factory where he found an old trunk filled with junk to hide. He squeezed in and he hid in the trunk for nearly an hour.

Whether it was the twisted shape of his body or the maximus amount of baked beans he consumed at lunch, Keith’s belly ballooned with an unrelenting, pestiferous gas that needed freeing. So Keith did the natural thing. –  he cut the cheese.”

“What cheese?” Rufus asked. “You said it was a fudge or chocolate factory?”

Mom answers.“It means he broke wind, bottom burped, farted.”

“Mom’s right,” Dad follows. “Keister dropped a stink bomb so lethal the trapped gases poisoned him. When Tushii and Gloot E. Uss found poor Keith Keister, he had expired. Killed by the smell of his own fart.”

“Whoa.” Rufus is speechless.

“But that was not the end of our friend. Today, Keister haunts children who cannot curb their potty mouths.”

“What does the ghost look like?” Rufus asks.

Dad pauses a moment before saying in a stern tone, “The Scary Derriery dresses in black and ringed with green smoke. But you will smell his foul gasses long before you see him because not all who smelt it, dealt it, sometimes it’s a warning from the ghost of The Scary Derriery.”

Rufus looks upset.

Mom asks, “What’s wrong dear?”

Rufus sniffs the air and pauses a moment before declaring “The Scary Derriery is in this room… I can smell him.”

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