The Scary Derriery

Writer note: The Scary Derriery will not get your child to stop using potty words but it will give them a wider array of words to use describe their butt. Write with your kids, it’s fun and it gives you the freedom to coin new words. How many words for butt can you find in the story?


The Scary Derriery

Rufus’ vocabulary stopped growing when he discovered the word poop could be a noun, verb, and song lyric.

“Poopy bells, poopy bells, poopy all the way,” Rufus sings while pushing a toy car along the rug.

“Rufus, quit the potty talk,” Mom tells the boy while setting the table.

“I too was fond of potty words kiddos,” Dad says placing a rump roast on the table. “And you know what happened to me?”

“You had to sit in time out?” Rufus answers.

“Sometimes,” Dad says.

“Dinner’s ready, come to the table,” Mom announces.

Rufus takes a seat and quickly loads his plate. A bun rolls off his plate and lands with a thud on the floor. “Ah, poop.”

“Rufus, NO more potty talk,” Mom repeats.

“You know what else happened when I used too many potty words?” Dad asks.

Rufus shakes his head.

“I had an unwanted guest,” Dad states.  “When I was a kid, and my potty mouth was out of control I was visited by The Scary Derriery.”   

Rufus looks quizzically at his dad, “What is the Scary Derriery?”

“Well son, Derriere is another word for your rear end,” Dad tells him.

“It’s French dear,” Mom follows.

“And the Scary Derriery is a ghost who visits kids who use too many potty words,” Dad says. “Legend goes, he is the ghost of a bank robber, with a potty mouth of mythical proportions.”

“What happened to him?” Rufus asks. “Did he say…fart too much?”

“Let me tell you. The Scary Derriery’s real name was Keith Keister. He was a nice boy cursed with a horrendous potty mouth. He grew into a man who could not find a job. At first, he would bum money from family and friends, but they’d say Keith Keister when are you going to grow up and quit the potty talk.  Once he attempted to rob a train when he heard its caboose was filled with booty, but his horse wasn’t up for the job.

“So he robbed banks instead?” Rufus asks.

“Yes because its easier to catch a bank. Each time he robbed one, he wrote a note and passed it to the teller asking for money. The letter would be filled with cheeky language, and after a while, the police figured out Keith Keister was behind the robberies.

Captain Tushii of the Hi-Knee City Police Department tracked Keister over five states and predicted he would target the Tokus National Bank. So, he and Detective Gloot E. Uss, waited in the bank’s posterior for Keith to arrive. Keith parked his horse, Duffy, and strode confidently into the bank. He handed the note to a  rosy-cheeked teller named Faye Fanny. Keith’s hand was hidden in the pocket of his britches pretending to hold a pistol. She read Keith’s note and laughed.

I know a young lady named Faye
Who would stand at a bank all day
Fear not the kind robber would say
I want to take the money and dart
And not stand around and…

Fart? Faye asked quietly and Keith laughed.  It was at that moment, Tushii and Gloot E. Uss rushed from the rear-end of the bank.

Keith sprinted to his horse, but when he tried to jump on Keith could not get over the horse’s hindquarters and landed on his can. The horse ran and humped it down the road. Keith hung on to the reins and was dragged on his rear halfway across town with the lawmen on his tail.

Keith ran into an empty factory building. By the odor, he could tell they made fudge or chocolate in the building. He swiftly moved to the backside of the factory where he found an old trunk to hide in.

There he hid in the trunk for nearly an hour. Whether it was the twisted shape of his body or the maximus amount of baked beans he consumed at lunch, Keith’s belly ballooned with an unrelenting, pestiferous gas that needed freeing. So Keith did the natural thing. –  he cut the cheese.”

“Wait, what cheese?” Rufus asked. “I thought you said it was a fudge or chocolate factory?”

“It means he broke wind, bottom burped, farted. He dropped a stink bomb so lethal the gases poisoned him. When Tushii and Gloot E. Uss found poor Mister Keister, he was dead. But Keith Keister would find new life haunting children who cannot curb their potty mouths.”

“What does the ghost look like?” Rufus asks.

Dad paues a few moments and then beings in his most serious tone

“The Scary Derriery dresses in black and he’s ringed with green smoke,” Dad says. “But, you will smell his foul gasses long before you see him, because not all who smelt it, dealt it, sometimes it’s the ghost of The Scary Derriery warning you that potty talk will get you in trouble.”

Rufus looks upset.

Mom asks, “What’s wrong dear?”

Rufus sniffs the air.

“The Scary Derriery is in this room,” Rufus responds. “I can smell him.”

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